My wife Leigh died nearly 5 years ago, and since then I’ve lived completely alone and had no interaction of any kind with another woman. At first the isolation was absolutely excruciating, but very gradually that transformed into something bearable, and then finally something enjoyable, and now I can hardly imagine having someone else in my personal space continuously again.
The only time I miss a companion is when I travel, so if any reader of the female persuasion would like to accompany me, contact me at the email address at the bottom of the page and we’ll discuss. No strings attached, in any way. Travelling alone is such a waste when I could be sharing the experience with someone else, for a small extra expense that I’m happy to pay.
When not travelling, I’m at home alone, for months at a time, which can become boring. I don’t like watching TV (I never turn mine on), and Netflix has a limited range of quality offerings, so travel has become obligatory. I try to travel frequently, both to alleviate tedium by exploring new landscapes, and as a muse for my painting. The ‘troubles’ in the Middle East have led to a temporary hiatus in my wanderings, but hopefully that will soon change.
Travelling is in some ways what one novelist called a “perpetual heart attack”, stressful and disruptive, but cathartic and diverting as well. I’ve had to learn to love travelling.
Why did people travel? God knows Sigbjorn hated it all over again. Travel to him was the extension of every anxiety, which man tried to get rid of by having a quiet home. A continual fever, an endless telephone alarm, perpetual heart attack. A continual anxiety. An unending fire-alarm. A prodigious prolonged jumping conniption. Is my passport in order? How shall I prevent being robbed? How can I get my papers out of my pocket in this position? without dropping half my money? But it’s too dark to see. How can I get hold of my overcoat? How much do I have to tip some hateful pimply bastard for confusing and embarrassing and distressing me? Fortunately such questions don’t arise on a plane, though when you get out it’s a different matter. But have I dropped all my passports out onto the floor? I can’t move, I can’t see. How can I prevent myself making a fool of myself? Horripilations. Fingerprintings – and, ah, that had done it, those fingerprintings at the American Consulate, that had taken away the last of one’s freedom. Consulates. Customs. Conniption all over again. Double conniption. Bribery and conniption. Treble conniption. It is going into hell, inviting it, going from the society of people you are not quite sure like you, among people who you know for certain despise you; who – consciously – would do it? Out of an environment to which one bore little relation into one to which one bore none.
M. Lowry, Dark as the Grave wherein my Friend is Laid
After my wife’s death, I did make a few feeble attempts to find another woman. I joined dating apps like eHarmony, but found them to be little more than scams. eHarmony defrauded me of a chunk of money by promising hundreds of matches but only allowing me to see the matches after I’d paid. It turned out that there were only 3 matches in a 50 mile radius, and those 3 were hopelessly inappropriate, one of them a 75 year old woman. Most dating apps are owned by Match.com, a corrupt company. They own Tinder, Hinge, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Match.com, The League, Meetic, Pairs, Azar, BLK, Chispa, Upward, Stir, and OurTime. They have honed their algorithms to make sure you keep paying and don’t find anyone. It’s not in their interest that you actually find a relationship; that would be a financial disaster for them. The US Federal Trade Commission sued Match Group for using deceptive tactics, including setting up fraudulent, fake accounts to lure users into paying for subscriptions. Investigations revealed many accounts were bots, set up by match.com to dupe men. The company also made it difficult for users to cancel. People have wised up to the scam and moved away, with the result that major platforms like Tinder and Bumble have seen massive declines in market value, with Bumble losing over 90% of its value since its 2021 IPO.
In the UK, for example, 1.4 million people left online dating in the 12 months leading to December 2024, and the top 10 apps saw a 16% decline in usage. Users get burnout from the “illusion of choice”, wherein the constant stream of profiles leads to choice paralysis and dissatisfaction, as users constantly believe someone “better” is one swipe away. Over 78% of Gen Z users reported burnout, citing “ghosting” (ending communication without notice), “flaking” (canceling dates), and lacklustre, repetitive conversations. Users also feel the process is now more of a “chore” or “admin” than a social activity, with 79% of women reporting they are uninterested in future app usage.
The Match Group is headed up by an utter swine called Bernard Kim, who has an extensive background in the mobile gaming industry, previously serving as president of mobile game maker Zynga. During his tenure at Zynga, he was credited with driving significant growth by promoting compulsive, addictive behaviour in app users. He’s brought that toxicity to the online dating sphere, resulting in a lawsuit:
Match Group was sued on Wednesday in a proposed class action claiming that its dating apps Tinder, Hinge and The League are designed to addict users, generating more profit for the company, rather than help them establish relationships. The plaintiffs said Match’s “predatory” business model defrauds those looking for love and fearful of missing out with an algorithm that rewards “compulsive use” of its platforms, and entices them to pay hundreds of dollars a year for subscriptions. Match employs features “to gamify the platforms to transform users into gamblers locked in a search for psychological rewards that Match makes elusive on purpose,” according to the complaint filed in federal court in San Francisco. The six plaintiffs – who live in California, Florida, Georgia and New York – called this inconsistent with Match’s ad slogan that its apps are “designed to be deleted.” Match’s apps deliver “a game, leading to addiction, and the loneliness, anxiety and depression that come with it,” a lawyer for the plaintiffs said in a statement.
Kim is interested in monetization, not matchmaking. The primary goal of a user is to find a partner and leave the app, but the primary goal of the app is to keep users engaged and paying. This fundamental conflict means that the better an app works, the faster it loses a customer. So they make sure the apps don’t work — simple. To boost falling revenue, apps have moved toward subscription-based models, putting formerly free features behind paywalls, such as charging for advanced filters or visibility. And because the apps have become “gamified,” they prioritize short-term dopamine hits (swipes) over long-term, meaningful connections.
So since meeting women IRL (in real life) is almost impossible, and online dating is little more than a gamified scam, I’ve made the conscious decision not to actively seek another partner in life. If one drops into my lap, that’s fine, but it’s very unlikely. While I would like a travel companion or female friend who lives separately and teams up for travel, I have no inclination to engage in another marriage. I’m reconciled to the idea of going the remaining few miles of my life’s journey on my own. From afar, I can already see the distant hills of surcease, where I may take my rest. I am at the point where silence feels like companionship. One needs to detach so deeply that nothing and nobody can affect one, and I’m there, at least most of the time.
